if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today