Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When I laugh on my period
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.