Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.