Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

Every haunted house movie: