me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The Birdles
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car