I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
When the stylist spins you back around
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.