We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Grandpa
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*