Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
You Might Also Like
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
