Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.