Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Pringles

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

how much does a mortician urn in a year

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf