Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?