If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”