I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Choose your fighter
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.