the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive