when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Just ordered me some pizza!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Unexpected Judgment
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!