Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.