Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
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I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.