Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Yep.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.