When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.