[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming