If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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Monday
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda