A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …