So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Me: how are you
Friday: good
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
SCARY COSTUME
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.