Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

Same pineapple, same

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

#oldknees

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

AM I BEING GASLIT????