Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.