[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.