Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.