Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.