I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My patience has stretch marks.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol