Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*