Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

The Joker was right

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.