Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Finally

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?