Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?