Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention