“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
*pronounces UPS like yoops
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Have a lovely day 😊
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.