Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Help

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now