Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.