My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Lmbo
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.