A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
