Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”