To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable