my first dose meeting my second
You Might Also Like
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
reduce, reuse, recycle
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.