it’s a van. how do they not know this
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sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain