I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”