Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner