Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

when a toddler tells a story

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.