Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
me doing my best
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Meow?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Intelligence is the new cleavage
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
