To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.