Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant