Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’d love this…lol
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.