6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.