Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.